Thursday, November 30, 2006

New Products We Can Live Without - The German Version

The LA Fish Wrap reports this intriguing story:
German sex educators plan spray-on condom
From Reuters

10:44 AM PST, November 30, 2006

BERLIN — German sex educators plan to launch a spray-on condom tailor-made for all sizes.

Jan Vinzenz Krause from the Institute for Condom Consultancy, a Singen-based practice that offers advice on condom use, told Reuters today the product aimed to help people enjoy better and safer sex lives.

"We're trying to develop the perfect condom for men that's suited to every size of penis," he said. "We're very serious."

The developers' web site provides more technical information.

Revolutionäre Verhütung: Das Kondom aus der Dose

Die Innvoation auf dem Kondommarkt: Das Kondom aus der Dose
Bald gibt es keinen Grund mehr dafür, es lieber ohne zu machen. Das neue Kondom kommt aus der Sprühdose und passt sich jedem Glied optimal an. Kappe ab und Kondom über den Penis sprühen: Die Latexhaut sitzt perfekt und ist in wenigen Sekunden einsatzbereit.

The spray-on condom comes in several brightly colored containers, sure to appeal to a lady's eye, with the "condom tip" logo subtly placed on the side.

Plunge that!

You now of our ongoing interest in things that plunge.

The LA Fish Wrap asks
What is the bus-plunge story?

And, just in case you missed it, the Fish Wrap of Record exercised a great deal of restraint in reporting this bus plunge.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Tales from Academia

Inside HigherEd reports this story:

A former student at the Art Institute of Portland, in Oregon, says that he was suspended and then expelled, in a series of events that started when he questioned another student’s belief in leprechauns and she complained about his questions, The Portland Mercury reported. Institute officials denied that anyone could be expelled for questioning another’s belief in leprechauns and suggested that other issues were involved.

The Portland Mercury story was not as interesting as this blurbette.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

More Toilet Stories

The Columbia Basin Herald reports:

Golfers teed off about toilets
By David Cole
Herald staff writer

SOAP LAKE -- Rick Froebe erected a backyard "fence." It's not a white-picket fence.

Instead, it's made of seven old toilets, a few used bathtubs and some broken down water heaters.

He said it's to "keep the golfers out" of his yard.

Froebe's home, 832 Canterbury Road, is nestled along Lakeview Golf & Country Club near Soap Lake. He watches closely from his back porch as golfers negotiate
the green of the 354-yard, par-4 first hole.

"Choice real estate in Grant County," said Froebe, co-owner of Coulee Dam/Ephrata Plumbing.

On Monday, three scarecrow-like dummies sat on toilets and looked on as golfers finished their putts. The old commodes, bathtubs and water heaters first appeared on Halloween. The dummies came down for a few days, now they're back.

Froebe, who's owned the home for the previous 15 years, already had a backyard fence in place -- the chain-link version. He claims it's not enough to keep golfers and neighborhood cats from getting his dogs all riled up.

Froebe contends the dogs get excited enough to start barking as players drive their golf carts near the green, search for their balls, chat, chip and putt. Neighbors began complaining about the barking.

Gerald Coulter, representing the country club's nine-member board of directors, called the situation "completely ridiculous." That's the consensus of the board, Coulter said, following last week's meeting.

"I've had several people call that were upset with (the 'fence'). It's an eyesore," Coulter said. "I'm surprised the health department hasn't been out there because of the used toilets and water tanks. It's not a sanitary condition."

Coulter, of Soap Lake, said Froebe is most likely trying to "alienate neighbors."

In the process, Froebe may also be attempting to upset members of the country club, he said.

A squabble Froebe had with course officials resulted in the 52-year-old plumber severing his membership in May. Froebe, as a member, complained that his plumbing-business partner had to pay to play. Froebe said the policy is unfair.

"I wouldn't recommend them," he said of the course and country club. "I wouldn't say anything bad. But you definitely have to go by their rules."

Meanwhile, the barking of Froebe's four dogs continued to be a nuisance to the neighbors. They repeatedly complained to the Grant County Sheriff's Office.

Froebe was warned by law enforcement officials at least three times, said Larry Ledeboer, the sheriff's animal control officer. Froebe was advised to take preventive measures and buy "bark collars," the officer said.

"The sheriff's office doesn't write a lot of barking infractions," Ledeboer said. The sheriff's office issues about 15-20 barking infractions per year. "We give warnings and try to work with people."

Froebe's dogs kept barking and the neighbors continued to complain.

To date, Froebe has received three barking infractions. A first-offense barking infraction is $47 per dog, Ledeboer said. The second offense is $95. A third offense is $190, he said.

Froebe said he recently went to Big 5 Sporting Goods and bought barking collars.

He insists the "fence" is not a sign of animosity towards his neighbors.

"If they would've come to me first that would have been one thing," Froebe said. He claims the situation could've been handled cooperatively. "But they went directly to the sheriff."

His dogs present another problem. According to the county's ordinance, he can't have four dogs on less than five acres of property.

When asked about the golf course, he insists hard feelings don't exist.

"The fence," he said, "It's plumber art."

Besides, he added, "It's not like this is Pebble Beach. This is Lakeview."

Thursday, November 23, 2006

New Products We Can Live Without

The Great John Toilet Company reports a breakthrough in toilet engineering:
...GJTC engineers, medical doctors and artists took to the task of creating a NEW GENERATION of products satisfying the needs of today’s customers. Our goal was to create the most comfortable and safe toilet for Large-Size people in the market. The other challenge was to make a toilet that could also be used by any size person. The final result was the creation of a "SIZE FRIENDLY TOILET"..

Thanksgiving II - only two more years of this idiot

Come Again?

Of course, by now you have probably heard of The Global Orgasm for Peace. The Bay Area Fish-Wrap, with its typical keen ear for important news, reported this story ahead of the pack(1,400,00o hits as of 23 Nov 2006).

Anti-war couple conceive new way to generate peace

- Joe Garofoli, Chronicle Staff Writer
Sunday, November 19, 2006

Living on their houseboat off the Marin County coast, anti-war activists Donna Sheehan and her partner, Paul Reffel, concocted a way for the world to communally create a lot of peaceful vibes.

They want everyone to have an orgasm on the same day.

On Dec. 22, they're asking the world to contribute to the Global Orgasm for Peace. Sheehan said not to worry if you don't have a partner.

Busy multitaskers shouldn't despair about trying to cram this global activism into their busy schedules, either, she said. Take any time during the 24-hour period at the beginning of the winter solstice to join the demonstration. Just make sure to think of peace before or after participating.

Once you've committed, there's even a secret sign to show others that you plan to take part: Flash the universal "OK" sign and wink. Or, as it has been redubbed, "The O" sign...
This is a bit unfortunate. This sign means "you're an asshole" in most of Europe.

Here is GOFP's description of the event.
The Event

WHO? All Men and Women, you and everyone
you know.

WHERE? Everywhere in the world, but especially in countries with weapons of mass destruction.

Winter Solstice Day - Friday, December 22nd,
at the time of your choosing, in the place of your choosing and with as much privacy as you choose.

WHY? To effect positive change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy a Synchronized Global Orgasm. There are two more US fleets heading for the Persian Gulf with anti-submarine equipment that can only be for use against Iran, so the time to change Earth’s energy is NOW!

Be sure to practice a lot before then!

Nothing Says Thanksgiving like "Macaca"

The House is decidely Blue, and would have been bluer had not the GrandOldPoliceblotter thieves been at work with electronic voting. But it is blue enough.

The Senate is Blue for now and will be even bluer after 2008.

And we could not have done this with the help of The Mysterious Macaca himself.

I imagine that Macaca has drunk himself into a deep stupor.

This is a collapse of operatic magnitude.

Just imagine, a year ago, The Mysterious Macaca was up 31 points over Webb in the Rasmussen poll, was named a front-runner for the Grand Old Policeblotter's presidential nomination, and had only the brightest of futures behind him.
Election 2006
Virginia Senator
George Allen (R) 57%
Webb (D) 26%
Other 7% (December 7, 2005)

Now it is clear that he had a "colorful" past as well:
Allegations of Allen's use of racial slur in college

On September 24, 2006, Washington correspondent Michael Scherer reported that the magazine had interviewed nineteen of his teammates and that "[t]hree former college football teammates of Sen. George Allen say that the Virginia Republican repeatedly used the racial epithet 'nigger' and demonstrated racist attitudes toward blacks during the early 1970s."One of Allen's classmates who made such a claim is University of Virginia political science professor Larry Sabato. Sabato later admitted his information was second hand.However, seven teammates have stated they do not recall any racist behavior on Allen's part. Four of these have made statements that were released by the Allen campaign. Allen dismissed the claims as "ludicrously false."
Now Wonkette's keen eye spotted this bizzare item from The Land Of Macaca: (we are NOT making this up)
Kate's Christmas Box
December 7, 2006, 10:30AM to 11:15AM
Type: Holiday Events
Location: Great Hopes Plantation

What will Kate’s master put in her Christmas box? Discover the customs and practices of slaves during the holiday season at Great Hopes Plantation. Included in Colonial Williamsburg admission
What would The Mysterious Macaca say? Wonkette puts it this way:
A Very Special George Allen Christmas
Happy Christmas, Slaves!
Nothing says Christmas more than an e-mail titled “Experience the Holiday Traditions of 18th-Century Slaves.”

“Christmas was a particularly difficult time of year for slaves,” says Martin. Christmas was the time when slave families were most likely to be split up. “Anyone can take a lash, but if you’re free, no one can take away your family,” Martin said, describing the harsh reality for slaves.

The title of the program, “Kate’s Christmas Box,” refers to the tradition of giving boxes to servants and slaves at Christ
mas. This box was not necessarily a gift; Martin says it was more appropriately considered to be a supplement to one’s rations. Many slaves’ boxes, including Kate’s, contained a cut of meat, such as a pig’s tail.

In modern times, the Virginia elite simply put a deer’s head in a black family’s mailbox.
This is, of course, a reference to the "Tales of the South" from The Mysterious Macaca's past.
September 26, 2006
Former Teammate:
George Allen stuffed deer head into black family's mailbox

Senator George Allen is responding to more allegations of racist behavior. The latest come from a former college teammate.

Former teammate Doctor Ken Shelton says, "Allen said he came to Virginia because he wanted to play football in a place where 'blacks knew their place.'"

"He used the N-word on a regular basis back then," said Shelton, who was in

During a hunting outing with Allen and another teammate, Shelton says Allen drove the three to a black neighborhood and "he proceeded to take the doe's head and stuff it into a mailbox."

Bishop Gerald Glenn says he used to see Allen as a Confederate f
lag waving redneck and has talked to the senator about his perception problem in the African American community...
Thank you, Macaca!

WTF? Nothing else to do in Boise

The New York Times reports
November 23, 2006
Idaho: City Workers Are Fired After a Slow Fast-Food Run on Zambonis

Two employees of the city ice skating rink in Boise have been fired for making a midnight fast-food run in a pair of Zambonis. An anonymous tipster reported seeing the two ice-resurfacing machines chug through a Burger King drive-through and return to the rink around 12:30 a.m. on Nov. 10. The Zambonis have a top speed of about 5 miles per hour, and were driven 1.5 miles. The drivers, both temporary employees whose names were not released by the Parks and Recreation Department, had to negotiate at least one intersection on their late-night creep from Idaho Ice World. “They were fired immediately,” said the parks department director, Jim Hall. Mr. Hall said the city could charge the employees with operating an unlicensed motor vehicle on a public street.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


On Friday, I was importing a stack of CDs into my iPod. The Bernstein Mahler cycle. A separate track caught my eye. The "adagietto" from the 5th. It was recorded at St. Pat's June 8th, 1968, at the funeral Mass for RFK. I was overwhelmed. That eternally long suspension.

Today, reading Jimmy Breslin's piece in the LA Times just makes me very sad. Imagine what was taken from us. There would have been no hostages in Tehran. "The Great Communicator" would have remained deservedly obscure. We would not have propped up Saddam. No Gulf War I. No 9/11. No Gulf War II. No Bush I. No Bush II. Not heaven, but not this, either.


The night Bobby was shot

A screening of the new film on Robert Kennedy's assassination conjures memories of the events 38 years ago.
By Jimmy Breslin
JIMMY BRESLIN writes columns for New York Newsday.

November 20, 2006

A CRYSTAL BROKE in the air with a little sound, the devil snapping his fingers, and now on a whim, a push from nowhere, I told the guy driving me that I wanted to go to Fullerton. There was an ad in the paper for a gun shop. I was here for an election, not guns, but instinct brought me there. This was in the middle of the morning on the day of the California presidential primary all the way back in 1968.

It was a sun-warmed day, and in Fullerton I found a man and wife in a garage running a gun shop. It was a second job for him, the man said; he drove an oil truck as a first job. If he was gone, his wife came out of the kitchen to sell you a good oiled gun.

The guy had all these pistols on a counter. Among them was an Iver Johnson .22. I asked him what he thought they were for. I don't know what he said. I know I said that the only reason you have a handgun is to shoot people in the head.

Later, the night was soft, and the sounds of the people were pleasant as they walked through the beginning of the evening on the lawn of the Ambassador Hotel.

It was the campaign headquarters for Robert F. Kennedy, who was getting close to the Democratic nomination for president.

And that is the last bright thing I can remember from that night. (read the rest here)

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

El Shrubo and the current mess

Julie Mason blogging in The Houston Chronicle reports:
As we all know from his first presidential campaign, Bush has never been to Vietnam before. Here's a joke in circulation (we assume the originator prefers to go unnamed):

Q: How is Vietnam different from Iraq?

A: Bush had a plan for getting out of Vietnam.

TV Shows We're Glad We Missed - The British Version

Yes, we're glad that we have never seen "Deal or No Deal", "The Dukes of Hazzard", or "Laverne and Shirley." Reality shows ? Never. Bowling? Not a chance. Fox News? GMAFB.

The Guardian reminds us that there are many other shows we are glad we have missed.
TV sex does not appeal

Channel 4 is under attack for its salacious content, but it seems not to have viewers turning on

Zoe Williams
Wednesday November 15, 2006
The Guardian
Sir Jeremy Isaacs, the founding chief executive of Channel 4, has written a scathing piece about the broadcaster's content - specifically, how much sex there is in it. This could, of course, be sour grapes on Isaacs' part; when Michael Grade succeeded him, he had the nickname "pornographer-in-chief" almost from the get-go. I imagine these jobs are a bit like teaching - even if the kids are calling you "Mr Hopeless Inadequate Worm" behind your back, it still means they like you more than if they're calling you by your actual name. But still, Channel 4 does have a lot of sex on. Singled out for particular mention were The World's Biggest Penis, Designer Vaginas and the much-vaunted but very little talked about Wank Week...

It is true that The World's Biggest Penis netted 2.2 million viewers, which is a fair whack; indeed it was 21% of the audience at that time...

I must confess that I nearly gagged when I read this aside by the author.
you'll forgive me for leaving aside American imports, which can't be divided into "sexual" and "asexual" because they're so good.
I am intrigued by"Wank Week". I would suppose that Fucker Carlson and The O'Reilly Fucktor would be permament guests.

The Compassionate Lawyer

This joke came from a friend down in Yachats.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

He asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have no choice. We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree"

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Mackris v. O'Reilly

We are besides ourselves with glee.

And not only because of the election. It is this new story.

Crooks and Liars is reporting it.

Radar is reporting it.

Raw Story
is reporting it.

The folks at Sweet Jesus I Hate Bill O'Reilly - an organization of hope - have been involved in the creation of a new work: Mackris v. O'Reilly The Opera.
In the book Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill O'Reilly, we discussed the possibility of a musical theater
production. We even went so far as to throw together some lyrics. Well kids, in the race to the
stage, we've been beaten to the punch… and by a guy named Igor, no less.

Mackris v. O’Reilly is the new work by Igor Keller. The oratorio (which is basically an opera
without the scenery), is for a 31-piece chamber orchestra, 32-voice chorus and three soloists,
directed by Kris Falk.

The libretto is comprised of the original court document and O’Reilly’s on-air settlement
announcement. Imagine a two-hour neo-baroque extravaganza including seven chorales, two
madrigals, three choruses, four recitatives, two instrumental entrances and numerous arias
dedicated to the sexual exploits of the most popular man in cable news.
This is an organization I could support! Here is their blurb for the event:

Mackris v. O’Reilly is coming to Meany Hall on January 12 & 13, 2007 at 7:30 pm. On those two nights, the baroque oratorio will receive an unforgettable infusion of contemporary culture and controversy.

The piece is a setting of the sexual harassment complaint lodged against Fox News pundit, Bill O’Reilly, by staff producer, Andrea Mackris, in October 2004. It includes all memorable moments from the original complaint and more – paranoid rants, clumsy sexual innuendo, and the famous falafel fantasy. Composer Igor Keller has produced this 31-part, concert-length work in the form of a baroque oratorio, in the style of an updated Handel’s Messiah, for 31-piece chamber orchestra, 32-voice chorus and three soloists. It’s an oratorio for the 21st century!

I would call this chamber pot opera. You may here two brief musical excerpts here.

Fire and Smoke

We found ourselves staring into space this morning browsing through Gawker , which had posted this photo with the headline:

Where There's Smoke ...

originally found in New York magazine here, with a somewhat different headline:

Every Neighborhood Fights Fires Its Own Way

with the tag

" We found ourselves standing on line next to this sign last night. We were in Chelsea, of course."

Monday, November 13, 2006

Just For Men mustache, beard and pubic hair color now has a female rival

Betty Beauty is now marketing pubic hair dye:


Auburn for your hotspot? Red means go there. Finally, the first safe color for the hair down there. Gray? No way! AUBURNbetty says never a dull moment! AUBURNbetty color for the hair down there naturally colors, covers gray and brightens to match your glorious locks above.

Follow the easy directions for safe color. Natural-looking. No mess. No drip. Use it every time you color! Want a red-hot secret? Get your betty ready!
Other colors inlcude blonde (of course), black, brunette, and fun (hot pink).
Hot pink means play. Adventure down below! Celebrate! The first safe color for the hair down there. Funbetty is a hot pink party in a box! Funbetty color for the hair down there. Go girl, it's your birthday! Or your anniversary or your wedding or his birthday! It's the perfect gift.

Follow the easy directions for safe color. Natural-looking. No mess. No drip. Use it every time you want candy! Fun is where you find it! Get your betty ready!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Mission Accomplished: The Revisionist Version

Mike McIntee over at Inside Minnesota Politics ("Minnesota's first politcal podcast") has discovered the latest in subtle propaganda from Der Führer.

Exclusive Video-White House Apparently Caught Doctoring "Mission Accomplished" Speech

Apparently the Bush administration has taken the Winston Churchill quote "History is written by the victors" into the video age.
See it for yourself.

Friday, November 03, 2006

red america investigation

In Tuscon, Borat had the crowd so worked up they sang along.

happy birthday to the blog owner

Now, enjoy this ad from the Scientists and Engineers for America.