Thursday, April 13, 2006

spilling the beans at the White House

Kos has posted a bit of this thread. It may be total fiction, and then again, it may be true. Here are some tidbits:

President Bush uses anti-depressant medication, a lot of it, at a stupendous dosage, and he is hiding it from the American public. This is the real reason he stopped drinking. Because of the dosage, he is also impotent.
Dick Cheney has chronic gum problems and his breath smells like shit as a result. He is also a CLOSE TALKER. He keeps a small bottle of diluted hydrogen peroxide which he rinses with every hour on the hour, and he swallows it instead of spitting. He also picks his nose vigorously (violently) and hums loudly and tunelessly to himself while taking shits.
Donald Rumsfeld needs to wear iced underwear because of some medical condition, and he has his secret service detail hold his spares. He was recently getting uncontrollable long-term erections and had to change up his medical treatments. The underwear and the erections is why he uses a standing desk, not because he is some super-man. He also wears nylon stockings, not because he's gay, but to control some vascular problem with his legs which causes him intense pain.
Tom Ridge carries 20 credit cards with him at all times, each one with a very low limit. I have never heard of him using one, ever, but he has them. He also wears his socks inside-out, and will flip the fuck out and walk strangely if he is forced to wear them properly, because it drives him crazy. All of his socks must be laundered right side in and then turned inside out before they are returned to him. He gave specific instructions about handling his food, and not allowing his vegetables to touch any other food item on the plate.
Despite all of this craziness, there is nothing strange whatsoever about Condoleeza Rice. She is completely balanced and normal, if slightly robotic in her personal demeanor. She smells very nice at all times. She does, however, constantly check her investments online from her office when she thinks that nobody is looking, and she has slept at her desk on multiple occasions.
The strangest thing about Wolfowitz was that he kept 4 pair of identical shoes in his office that he never, ever wore. He had some personal pictures on his shelf that he would violently snap down if he was in a bad mood, especially while on the phone. Also he is a frequent bathroom-user, but given the age of the men involved here, just assume that they all excuse themselves to piss all the goddamn time.
It is a little unfair to be picking on these people because they're all old men, and their bodies are falling apart, but oh well. Rumsfeld lets out really disgusting, wet farts, and then unbelievably denies the act. All staff on hand knows he does it, but nobody calls him on it, because he is Donald Rumsfeld. If he is really concentrating, he also reads letters and reports people write to him out loud in a weird squeaky voice. It sounds like some kind of crazy dramatic reading for a very very boring play.
and much, much, much more... like this
Everyone always takes presidential elections seriously, and anything can happen. I think Kerry actually did win, or at least would have won, but as a result of some stuff done in Ohio I won't go into, he didn't make it. This is one of the things people will go to jail over.

Tom Ridge brushes his teeth like 3 times per day religiously, but he can't stand looking at someone brushing their teeth. He contorts as in agony, as if he is actually experiencing pain. He can't watch himself brush his teeth, and even describing the process of brushing teeth drives him up a wall.

If you joke around near Rumsfeld, he will stare at you intensely as if you just killed his mother for about 10 seconds, which will be unnerving because you think you've offended him, then he will begin to laugh a little bit, a bit more, until he is in hysterics. He has a chest condition called Pleurisy that causes this; breathing deeply is painful to him as is laughing with gusto, so he tries very hard to control himself before losing it. It really unnerves people who are trying to be sociable. This is the reason for his creepy shallow laugh in public.

As for condi sleeping in her office, I'm almost convinced she has narcolepsy. She'll work like crazy, and then BAM she's asleep on her desk for 15 minutes in the middle of the day, utterly insensible to anything, before suddenly jerking back up and animating as if driven by hidden clockwork gears.

Gerald Ford is actually a really really nice guy and I've never met a less picky eater. He will finish for other people, you know, taking their uneaten or half-eaten dishes and just consume them as if it were nothing. You are correct about the frequent bathroom visits. I think he has a nervous bowel.

What is the most outrageous thing I have seen or heard whilst working?

Many things rank up there, but the one that immediately comes to mind is coming upon Wolfowitz in the office, clutching a cellular phone with white knuckles, slamming his set of personal pictures face down on his shelf one by one, each time screaming, "CUNT! CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT!"

[from a correction later in the post] I think Condi will run if Hillary runs, so that there will be a woman/woman catfight. I also think if this happens there will be negative ad campaigns about their respective sexual histories. Did I mention Condi smells really, really, really good?

Everyone always takes presidential elections seriously, and anything can happen. I think Kerry actually did win, or at least would have won, but as a result of some stuff done in Ohio I won't go into, he didn't make it. This is one of the things people will go to jail over.

Because Rove is hot right now I can't say anything about him at all. I can tell you this, however. Scooter Libby wasn't dubbed Scooter by the President. The obnoxious fucker went around and MADE everyone call him Scooter instead of his proper name, and MADE SURE we called him Scooter by CORRECTING US WHENEVER WE CALLED HIM BY HIS TRUE NAME.

One guy actually called him by his true name to someone else in his own office, and Scooter, who was walking by, popped in and CORRECTED HIM and then sped off.

I think it is ridiculous that this guy wanted such a shitty nickname which he got because he rubbed his asshole all over the carpet when moving around as a toddler. Also, and this is just rumor that I have not personally heard from Scooter himself, but he obsessively cultivates the nickname because it makes him appear less threatening to his enemies. What a fucking psycho.

We've speculated that he did that scooting as a toddler because of a throwback mongoloid mental defect that caused him to be unable to balance on his hind feet. The fact that he is inhuman in his mannerisms supports this theory and I endorse it with my full backing.

Also, after a while, we called him Cooter behind his back, because the guy is a complete obnoxious nosy cunt. One of the reasons why he is on the hot seat right now is because he got no love from anyone.

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